Eminem: – Hi! My name is..
Daniel: – Eminem! Of course! Very nice to meet you, and welcome to Oslo! My name is Daniel, and Raymond Johansen has given me the responsibility of teaching you Oslo-humor! You see, in Norway, we have a lot of terrible racists, so if we kulturmarxister don’t make sure that you immigrants fit in, Sylvi Listhaug is gonna kick you out!
– Role Model!
Lesson 1: «Onkli’»
– Ok, so I don’t really know why we do this, but here in Oslo we like to say «onkli» a lot. Literally it means that you really mean something, but we say it all the time, and mostly we don’t really mean it. Also, it started out ironic, but now it’s not ironic anymore. So, this is how you use it: when you say that something is something, you put «onkli’» in between. For example, if you have a problematisk kvinnesyn, you can say «I have an onkli’ problematisk kvinnesyn». But please don’t have a problematisk kvinnesyn! Ok, so now you try!
– My thoughts are sporadic, I act like I’m an addict. Onkli’ addict?
Lesson 2: «Av Joachim Trier»
– Ok, so here in Oslo we have this amazing film called «The World’s Worst Human Being», av Joachim Trier. It has everything; a feminist defence of blowjobs, a sensual way of smoking cigarettes, and a talented – but confused – young woman running around in Oslo. I don’t remember whether she has friends or not, because I haven’t seen it, I’ve just spoken to an anmelder. Either way, it’s a onkli’ good movie. It’s the worlds best movie, av Joachim Trier, haha! That’s what we like to do in Oslo: when we say something is the world’s best or worst something, we say «av Joachim Trier» afterwards, and then we smile and laugh. For example, if I had a girlfriend and an alcohol problem – I only have one of those things –, and I was like onkli’ drunk when she got home from work, then she would say «you’re the world’s worst boyfriend!». Then I would say «av Joachim Trier!». Then we would smile and laugh together, and maybe smoke a cigarette in a sensual manner, perform a feminist defence of blowjobs, or run around in Oslo while being confused about our relationship. It’s the Oslo way! Now you try!
– I’m beginning to feel just like a rap god, rap god. Av Joachim Trier?
– Ikke helt!
– I’m beginning to feel just like the worlds best rap god, av Joachim Trier?
Lesson 3: «Av Arif»
– Ok, so if you understood the last one this is gonna be really easy. Onkli’ easy. The world’s easiest lesson, av Joachim Trier. Haha! You see, here in Oslo, we have a really cool musician called Arif, and he has a song called «Hvem er hun?». So, what you do is that whenever you or somebody else asks a question, you say «av Arif» etterpå. It can be something onkli’ close to the original, like if you’re talking about Hannah Arendt with your friends, and they don’t know who she is, and ask «hvem er hun?», then you say «av Arif», and then everybody smile and laugh. But it can also be any question, like «har vi mer øl?», and then you can also say «av Arif», and make everybody smile and laugh. Your turn!
– What happens when you become the main source of her pain? «Daddy look what I made» «Dad’s gotta go catch a plane» «Daddy where’s mommy? I can’t find mommy, where is she?» Av Arif?
– Elsker det! Are you sure you’re not from Oslo? Av Arif. Haha!
Lesson 4: Writing rapsoder about meeting musicians and talking to them, but they only reply in their own lyrics
– So, what we like to do in Oslo is writing rapsoder about us meeting famous musicians and they only communicate by quoting themselves. Just like I’m doing now! This is actually not native Oslo-humor, but something we imported from Rjukan quite recently. There they do it all the time, but only about Odd Nordstoga. Raymond Johansen hired a guy called Tony Norgaard to teach us how to write rapsoder about meeting famous musicians and they only communicate by quoting themselves too. Would you like to try?
– «Eminem and Ole Paus have a man to man about love problems:
Em: – You can’t run from me Kim! It’s just us, nobody else! You’re only making this harder on yourself! Ha-ha, got ya! Go ahead, yell!
Ole Paus: –Det er på tide å prøve på! Å leve et liiiiiiv, uten deg. På tide å prøve hver for seg.»
– Kjempebra! I think you’re utlært! Would you like to go to Café Sara and talk about Ole Jacob Madsen and den terapeutiske etos? That’s what we usually do when we get drunk in Oslo!
– Ironic ’cause I think I’m gettin’ so huge I need a shrink. I’m beginnin’ to lose sleep, one sheep, two sheep. Going coo-coo and kooky as Kool Keith. But I’m actually weirder than you think, ’cause I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed.
Foto: Sturla Solheim